Smallprint

A gentleman’s home is his castle.  I rule my minions with a gentle and favourable hand, however subtle battles take place that can see one’s seat of power, and use of one’s resources, slowly eroded. 

Fatherly altruism

A kind hearted disposition that sees one freely offer access and use of one’s belongings to one’s offspring.  This is fulfilling and fun, as you introduce them to new experiences, pastimes and technologies.

I am all about the kindness – I love my children, and am a sucker for spoiling as well as introducing them to new things.  However, I do wish that someone had given me some guidance on this before I started off down this well intention paved path – A little guidance as to how to ring fence domestic assets for my own personal use.

Fatherly altruism (Smallprint)

A kind hearted disposition that leads to one losing any form of control over the use of one’s belongings. Items that took one years to acquire, pay for and learn to use, will within minutes be hijacked and set to purposes that make you want to take a hammer to them.  

Battleground 1 – The Television

The television is without doubt the best way to buy a ‘low maintenance quiet half hour’ – and ‘low maintenance quiet half hours’ are worth their weight in gold – but ultimately lead to a power shift in control of the remote.  Premium sports packages will go unwatched as the little one(s) in your life watch re-runs of Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse, Tigger & Pooh et al.

It is important to state at the outset that this battle will inevitably be lost over time, as the promise of this half hour is surely one of life’s most intoxicating prospects.  However, subtle strategies can mitigate the extent of losses.

Do not disclose the full functionality of on demand or hard disk recorder services.  This is a slippery slope – a toddler with on demand expectations is hard to negotiate with!    Also, changing the channel at the end of the programme provides closure to the young mind.  When they learn that there is 24 hour programming – there is no going back.

Battleground 2 – The Internet

I lost this battle following a particularly smug episode of fatherly altruism.  The aforementioned premium sports package was telling me that I needed to watch it, and I hatched a cunning plan that if I hooked up the laptop with cartoons on youtube, I could let Mr Alex watch that beside me on the sofa, whilst I indulged on the big screen.  Worked perfectly and still does – however each time the lap top appears – a toddler request is lodged claiming priority of use.

Battleground 3 – The Car Stereo

This was my last bastion of sanity.  Sports radio and six CDs of approved music.  Of late I have noticed my CDs lying in the pocket of the car door – and have found that that the proportion of CDs featuring nursery rhymes now outnumber my preferences.

Mr Alex now gets in the car and requests “Old MacDonald” and then “OLD MACDONALD” and that usually is that!

You will know that this battle has been irrevocably lost when you finish an unaccompanied commute and realise that you have been listening to (or worse singing) said music the whole trip. This has never happened to me.

There are many more battle grounds within our house, and I am sure in yours – do not get me started on my Wii and Xbox – I now own more Lego games than I care to admit.

Fatherly Altruism Checklist

When you feel the first waves of kindness washing over you, ask yourself these simple questions before acting upon it:-

1. Am I ready to lose unfettered use of this item?
2. Am I willing to see the use of this item perverted?
3. What is the worst that can happen?
4. And once more, because it will – What is the worst that can happen?

Having reflected on this checklist a number of times, I developed a set of rules for use of domestic resources.  I laminated this and hastily stapled it to both boy’s backs, so that nobody who meets them can be in any doubt.

Excessive?
 
The scary thing is that these battle grounds are fought in every house that your children will visit, there expectation of the use of items being shaped everywhere they frequent.  And if there is anything more potent or generous than your ability to spoil – let me introduce – grandfatherly altruism – perhaps the biggest threat to the enjoyment of one’s castle!